Back There Back Then; new runout (or 'walkout', if you must) songs for all, part one - League Two
With TV themes and movie soundtracks, there's quite a lot going on already. But let's sweep our the drab and give League Two a musical makeover.
Well I warned you, yet here we all are. In the prologue to this mini-series just seven days ago, I threatened that I would be giving every one of the top 92 clubs a bit of a makeover, a new piece of music for them to take to the pitch to. In the pre-match ceremony of just about any football match, the music played as the teams take to the pitch can come to form a big part of the identity of the club itself.
And just as Tina Turner’s Simply The Best became the go-to choice for unimaginative tannoy announcers, so has Fatboy Slim’s Right Here Right Now in the 21st century. Well yes, Mister Fatboy. We all know there’s a football match going on right here, right now. If there wasn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here in the first place. Tell me something I didn’t already know.
So, this is an attempt to correct that balance, an opportunity to give every club the runout music (because teams should run out onto the pitch before the start of a match rather than the slow wander they currently have to do, so I’m afraid ‘Walkout Music’, no matter how much more successfully that may play with future algorithms, simply will not cut it) that they deserve. In some, perhaps many, cases, these will be what you already have in use at your club. But for many there will be changes afoot. Hey, I never promised you a democracy, here. And because I am precisely the sort of person that I am, there are rules:
No repeatsies. 92 clubs, 92 songs, and if that means that somebody has to miss out on something they’re used to, then I’m afraid dem’s the rules. Sorry Watford supporters, he said, projecting a couple of weeks into the future.
Will I take the piss a bit? Probably. As ever with these impossibly lengthy lists that I occasionally come up with, this is a bit of fun and a chance to tell a few stories. I mean, you all know that I don’t actually have any power to make these changes… don’t you?
Since I am an elderly man (I’m now the same age that Kenneth Wolstenholme was when he left the BBC in 1971, which is about the most sobering thought I’ll have all week), there will likely be precious few entries from the 21st century. Like all sensible people, I stopped listening to latest release pop music at about the turn of the century, so you’re definitely more likely to find a show tune or an old jazz standard here than the last hi-NRG dancefloor hits, primarily because I am of the age at which you start to call modern music “hi-NRG dancefloor hits”, which for all I know makes me sound like the subject of Rabbit, by Chas & Dave. And anyway, isn’t the average age of a season ticket holder about 73 now? Don’t worry pops, I got you.
I will probably miss some stuff out and at some point include something wholly inappropriate for reasons that I hadn’t even taken into account at my moment of decision. Apologies for that in advance, but try to remember; none of this is meant to be taken very seriously (apart from all of it, which is extremely serious).
I may be persuaded to take on non-league football as well, depending on how successfully this lands. Because no matter how much I do enjoy doing this sort of thing (and it is a lot, they are an absolute time sponge and I have actual bread and butter work on at the moment.
The referee’s decision is final.
So, with all of that said—and bearing in mind that I did 50 goalposts and 40 footballs in a similar way, and that took bloody long enough—let’s get on with it with… League Two!
(Click on the name of the club for the selection chosen.)
Accrington Stanley: It is, I have to say, a relief to kick off with something fairly straightforward. Accrington apparently take the pitch to the portentous tones of Carmina Burana by Carl Orff, better known to anybody with a recollection of the 1970s and 1980s as The Old Spice Music. This is clearly too serious a piece of music for the middle of League Two, but fortunately Accrington have a replacement on hand.
The internet tells a tale of a song call On Stanley On, but this doesn’t seem to be readily available, so Accrington will have to settle for this (perhaps unnamed) song, which was first introduced to the world by Martin Kelner through BBC Night Network radio at about the time of the original club’s 100th anniversary in 1993. “Accrington Stanley, our limit is the sky”, it tells us. This is the sort of optimism I can do business with.
AFC Wimbledon: Wimbledon are the only team in League Two to have an FA Cup final song. In 1988, while Liverpool tripped over themselves on their own hubris with the Anfield Rap, Wimbledon kept it more old school with squelchy 1980s synths accompanied by what is quite clearly a bunch of blokes who can’t sing.
We Are Wimbledon is a great terrible football song and it’s as popular as ever at Plough Lane, but it’s an end of game song rather than a runout song. With this in mind, they used to take to the pitch to the music from Enter The Dragon by Lalo Schifrin when theyb played at Kingsmeadow; why would you want to replace such a stone cold classic slice of 70s orchestral funk magnificence? Bring back Enter The Dragon!
Barrow: Tempting though it is to suggest that Barrow just take Yellow Submarine by The Beatles and swap out the word ‘yellow’ for ‘Barrow’, until a version of this song with this amendment has been committed to vinyl, we’ll have to think a little more laterally about Barrow-in-Furness. It turns out that Fontaines DC singer Grian Chatten was born there, and the Fontaines DC song Boys In The Better Land features him singing. He may have left Barrow when he was a month old, but the alternative was the original bass player from Jethro Tull, and while I can see the frightening appeal of this, Fontaines DC are probably the better choice.
Bradford City: Bradford City are a big enough club for this to have already been a Conversation. This conversation may be four years old now, but the club’s ‘anthem’ didn’t seem to have received much love there from supporters at the time. With this in mind, and mindful of the need to create some sort of pre-match atmosphere, I’ve taken the decision to use Into The Valley by The Skids, which has been used by the club before, which won out over Valley of the Dolls by Generation X.
Colchester United: It’s probably appropriate that a barracks town should have a slightly military feel to it. And Colchester United have a fully fledged sing of their own which they’re already using. Up the U’s has its own Wikipedia page (although the link to the Superfluous Apostrophes page is a little below the belt), and the current version of it was recorded by a local band called Absent Kid, although the song has been around in different guises for years. No need to change that, is there?
Crawley Town: Considering that I find it difficult to believe that A Forest wasn’t inspired by The Cure’s Crawley upbringing—in that neck of woods, you really don’t have to stray very far from the beaten path before you find yourself in a forest—that would seem to be the obvious choice for Crawley Town, you’d think. But while the song is lovely, textured and haunting, it’s not really runout music.
They already have Boys Don’t Cry for after matches for when they lose, but what about beforehands? You need something vaguely anthemic, and Just Like Heaven fits that bill, just about. PA guys who want to be chased out of town by a pitchfork wielding mob could mix it up by occasionally playing Dinosaur Jr’s noisy cover version of it. The more mischievous among us may prefer something like this.
Crewe Alexandra: I’ll put it this way. Some towns just aren’t that musical. The only musical artists of much note to have come out of the town are Any Trouble and, umm, Adam Rickitt. So Crewe are just about to have Any Trouble selected (I’m not going to inflict I Breathe Again on anybody; I’m not a monster) but then… hullo, what’s this? Crewe Alexandra have a slightly bland and mildly mock-worthy anthem too, you say?
For a minute or two the Crewe Alex song makes no reference to the club and you starting to wonder whether this is just a generic song with their badge slapped on it, but they get there in the end. We’re six clubs in, and if I can say one thing for certain; if your club does have a slightly bland and mildly mock-worthy anthem (and I’m already mildly surprised at the number who do), it may prove quite difficult to dissuade me from using it.
Doncaster Rovers: (Editor’s note: don’t start thinking about Head Over Heels in Love. I know Kevin Keegan was born in Doncaster and supported Rovers as a boy, but he never played for them and never managed them, so get that thought right out of your head).
At the start of the season, Doncaster polled their supporters on what their runout music should be. The list wasn’t particularly inspiring and reaction to it didn’t seem terribly enthused, but one bright spark on their forum did mention one particular song that did make my eyebrows raise; The Conga, by Black Lace. It might have been in jest, but hear me out a second, here.
The ‘Lace (as those of us in the trade know them) are, if anywhere, from Wakefield and Castleford. Both of these towns are a shade under twenty miles from Doncaster. Near enough? Near enough. (I’m aware that one is in South Yorkshire while the others are in West Yorkshire, but we’re talking shared culture not shared administrative regions, here.) I’d say it was a little unfair, but on the opening day of last season they ended up using Right Here, Right Now, O Fortuna and Wild Rover in succession, which feels like a cliche hat-trick that will prove difficult to beat. A season of trains across the floor may focus a few minds.
Forest Green Rovers: Few clubs in the bottom two divisions have a stronger identity than Forest Green Rovers, but their relative newness in their current form leads to issues when it comes to tradition. This is, after all, a club that has changed its colours, name and stadium in the 21st century, and they’re already talking about wanting to move stadium again.
So if tradition is out the window, it’s probably best to find something that suits their current identity. Meat is Murder by The Smiths is a bit mournful—the sound of cows in an abattoir probably isn’t the sort of image that they’d want to project at five to three on a Saturday afternoon—but Vegan Revolution Draft Dodger by Good Clean Fun has a bit of get up and go about it.
Gillingham: Sometimes it just falls into your lap. Gillingham FC's motto, which appears on a scroll below the crest, is Domus clamantium, the Latin for "the home of the shouting men", a traditional epithet associated with the town of Gillingham. It’s difficult to imagine another choice than the club song of the same name.
Grimsby Town: It’s not often that you get a lot of detail about these club songs. A number of them seem to have been pushed out of some sort of football song sausage factory, the names of the clubs changed from recording to recording. But every once in a while, we get a little insight into how a song comes about in the first place.
Up The Mariners was recorded in 1978, at the time of the club’s centenary celebrations, by a band called Pisces, a three-piece pop-cabaret band from the town with Tony Bradsell on vocals. According to LastFM:
In 1978 they recorded a one off single record Up The Mariners for Grimsby Town FC who were celebrating 100 years in football, released on 7 inch vinyl on the Humber Records label, HRSP-050, in November 1978. Les enlisted local musician Chris Mackrill to record the bass on the track. The 'B' side was a narration about Grimsby Town FC 100 years in football, from very humble beginnings up to the 1978 season, told by Patrick Conway. The song even got the thumbs-up from Elton John.
Too much detail? No such thing.
Harrogate Town: Played A Live by Safri Choice isn’t entirely offensive, and for all I know it’s a long-standing tradition for this song which goes back to a deeply emotional point in Harrogate Town’s history, but if we’re offering alternatives, then there are some available, and in a slight nod to modernity I’ve gone for the 2008 remix of Something Good by Utah Saints, who, for all the pretensions of their name, are from the town.
Mansfield Town: To be fair, Mansfield Town do have a slightly bland and mildly mock-worthy anthem, but anyone who knows me in the slightest will be aware of my love of Alvin Stardust, and if you think I’m missing an opportunity to crowbar the carpet-sideboarded, mat-groovin’ king of East Midlands rock and roll into this list, you simply do not know me well enough.
Milton Keynes: Well, well, well. So obviously, it would be easy to go for this, or this, but I didn’t ascend to this lofty position by always going with the completely obvious, so let’s go for the next most obvious. Paul Weller biographer John Reed has stated of The Style Council song Come to Milton Keynes that “The song’s lyrics suggested a reality of drugs, violence, and ‘losing our way’ behind a façade of ‘luscious houses ‘where the ‘curtains are drawn’, the idea being to create a musical pastiche which matched the supposed artificiality of Milton Keynes itself”, and who am I to argue with that?
Morecambe: Morecambe are another club who have their own ‘hymn’, and this one, well, it’s… something. “Morecambe FC, shrimps rolling in off the streets, my desire is always to cheer you, oh Morecambe FC” to the tune of Mull of Kintyre. Oh God, he’s written verses, too. Still, it’s surely better than Let’s Go by Calvin Harris, which makes Right Here Right Now sound like Captain bleedin’ Beefheart, though.
Newport County: Newport County present something of a conundrum. Newport is a musical sort of place, but Hi Ho Silver Lining will be in much demand elsewhere and I’m not certain there’s anything by Goldie Lookin’ Chain that can be played in front of children. It would, however, only require the changing of a couple of swear words and I’ve Conquered All The Chippys by Big Rob would be perfect for the job.
Notts County: If you’re going to commit grand larceny, you’ve got to go big or go home. The Wheelbarrow Song (“I had a wheelbarrow, the wheel fell off” - trad.) barely lasts twenty seconds, so we’re stuck with this version of Three Lions called Two Mags on a Shirt. Somebody needs to get into a Nottingham recording studio with a banjo, a set of spoons and, for inspiration, a broken wheelbarrow.
Salford City: There may be no greater disparity between the size of the football club and the musical heritage of the area they represent than Salford. This is a city which can count The Hollies, Joy Division, Davy Jones, Mark E Smith and Tony Wilson among its children. So, while Salford City supporters remain (understandably) enamoured with Dirty Old Town, it’s time for a change. Hit The North by The Fall seems to hit the spot, as it were.
Stockport County: Stockport also have a song of their own, but there’s musical heritage that can be explored in this part of the world, as well. Discounting Shed Seven quickly, two names immediately stick out: 10cc and Martin Fry from ABC. Both are appealing in their own way. ABC’s arch The Look of Love definitely ticks all the uplifting boxes, but the sly humour of 10cc also has a lot to recommend it.
You’d have to rule Dreadlock Holiday out for obvious reasons, I’m Not In Love is a beautiful piece of music but unlikely to get the Edgeley Park crowd whipped into of a pre-match fervour, and I’m Mandy Fly Me is as much a fever-dream as it is a song, but Life is a Minestrone could well be an apt summing up of much of Stockport County’s last quarter century or so, though I’m open to suggestion on The Look of Love by ABC because, well, just look at him.
Sutton United: Wikipedia informs me that Katie Melua, a very famous singer about whose music I am almost entirely ignorant, used to live on actual Gander Green Lane, which is also the home of Sutton United. But her music isn’t very uplifting, so is the GGL connection enough on its own to merit her a place on this list?
The answer is no. We football supporters are fundamentally simple beings, and at five to three we want to jump up and down, clap our hands, stamp our feet, and sing songs about opposing players being paedophiles. It’s just not an appropriate time of the week for sparsely-lit acoustic music about the tribulations of love.
So for Sutton United I’ve plucked something out of the archive that is nothing to do with their club whatsoever. Clap Your Hands Stamp Your Feet was released by the Dutch singer Bonnie St Clair and Unit Gloria in 1972. It was not a hit in this country, which is surely the only reason why this stomping slice of Nederrock hasn’t been heard every week at football grounds the length and breadth of this country. All this, and she’s wearing Sutton colours in the video. You’re welcome.
Swindon Town: Football clubs have been looking for excuses to put records out for almost as long as they’ve sold, and falling recording studio costs have been a blessing to those who might not have had the money required to hire the most celebrated producers of an era. In 1993, Swindon Town reached the final off the play-offs for a place in the Premier League. Sadly, Up Where We Belong isn’t a cover of the Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warne song from An Officer And A Gentleman, but you can’t have everything.
Tranmere Rovers: Well, I did say that there would be some clubs whose songs would not be changing. There are conflicting explanations given for why the theme music to The Rockford Files has been greeting Tranmere players as they take to the pitch at Prenton Park for decades, the most common of which is the wry observation that the show was broadcast on Friday nights, the night that Rovers often played their home matches.
It’s also been added that it may have come about as a result of a comment from the club’s then-chairman that, “I can only conclude that the people of Wirral prefer to watch The Rockford Files on TV on a cold Friday night than support their local football team.” Previous attempts by managers to abandon it have proved fruitless. Long may it reign.
Walsall: Some types of music are better-positioned for this sort of caper than others, and right at the top of the list of suitable genres for This Sort of Thing is glam rock, the clapalong beats and simple lyrics of which have become part of the soundtrack of football for decades. Whether we’re talking about Chicory Tip’s cover of Giorgio Moroder’s frankly weird Son Of My Father or the monosyllabic thumps of We Will Rock You, it just… kinda fits.
And Walsall are blessed to be the hometown of arguably its most famous voice. Noddy Holder of Slade is the voice of the town. He’s had freedom of the borough for ten years and his voice can be heard in the lifts at the local art gallery. If Cum On Feel The Noize doesn’t get the Bescot crowd on its feet, then perhaps modern football truly is lost. This song has started to filter into the repertoires of other clubs’ supporters, over the last few years. Come on, Walsall. It’s time to stand up and definitively reclaim your musical and cultural heritage.
Wrexham: I’m not going to begrudge Wrexham supporters some success after a dismal twenty years, but neither am I, the supreme overlord of runout music (I don’t believe anyone else has claimed that crown, so I may as well), going to get involved in tributes to the owners of the club either. Instead, and surely everyone from Wrexham already knows this, it’s time for Wrexham Is The Name, the cash-in single released in line with the team’s run to the Sixth Round of the FA Cup in 1978. It doesn’t hold back on the hubris, either:
Fearless in devotion
Rising to promotion
To the ranks of mighty heroes
Fighting foes in every land
History only tells a story
We are here to see your glory
Stand aside the Reds are coming
Wrexham is the name.
All to the music to Men of Harlech. Steady on, lads, it’s only a football match. But like I say, if you’re to going to go, go big or go home.