How to cope with and get through a child's birthday

It may sound like a nightmare of a day, but kids' birthdays don't just have to be gotten through; we should be enjoying them while they last.

It all starts with me, really. My birthday, at the end of the first week of September, begins a frantic time of year in my house. My older kid’s birthday is nine days after mine. My ex-wife’s girlfriend’s birthday follows ten days after this, but then I get a bit of a break before the middle of October comes around and I get my dad, my ex-wife and my younger kid in the space of five days.

Of course, for four of these people, birthdays are something to be greeted with a slump of the shoulders, used as an opportunity to drink enough to float a battleship (both my ex-wife and her girlfriend) or as an opportunity have a glass of red but no more because frankly his legs get a little wobbly these days (my dad).

But for the other two it starts early, and the only honest answer to the question of “how long?” is to reply by saying that it really isn’t that far off a 365 day a year operation. Questions about “how long is it until my birthday?” started in about February, this year.

For my pair, birthdays form a holy trinity to finish off the year alongside Halloween and Christmas. With them being half American, I kind of have to allow them Halloween for cultural reasons, though I’ve noted the extent to which Thanksgiving has never permeated with them, despite their mother’s annual attempts.

Christmas, of course, is the thing that they pretty much believe starts on about the 10th November and which I have to try to hold back, like the bastard offspring of The Grinch and King Canute until at least oh dear God please at least let it be the start of December, for the good of my sanity if nothing else. The new year also barely registers with them, but then we’re done. Until Easter.

But it’s the birthdays that pique the most interest. With two years between them, I used to worry a little about how the other would react to one of them getting a day all to themselves. But in actuality, they’re both pretty good with it. They tend to automatically share their toys anyway, so presents tend to be treated as presents for both of them, and not being in the limelight doesn’t seem to be an issue.

Present-buying is nothing like the chore you’d think it is at their current ages because they really still love just about anything. Every once in a while I get a request for something unlikely, but they forget sooner than I do (which is, to be fair, going some), but broadly speaking they’re happy with whatever they do get.

None of this means that they end up with any old tat, of course. We’re blessed to have a good toy shop in the town centre where we live, so I can easily go and get everything I need to the day before, should I choose. It’s also the case that Amazon is so broken nowadays while toy shops have become increasingly competitive on price that it doesn’t feel any more expensive than when I used to buy it all online.

There are certain types of present where I know I can’t go wrong. Art stuff, books about gemstones, jewellery and space, stars or planets for older kid. Anything related to Sonic the Hedgehog, Bluey or Mario for younger. Anything related to Minecraft or Hot Wheels for either of them.

One lesson I have learned the hard way is that you have to prioritise your own convenience when buying these gifts. I once spent between 8am and 4pm on Christmas Day building a Hot Wheels garage that was more convoluted than building an actual garage would have been (including getting planning permission), and upon completing I had to immediately pivot to cooking a Christmas dinner for four people. Then after eating, the kids went to bed, the other adult fucked off, and I was left alone in an empty room with a mountain of litter and less booze than I thought I’d bought, feeling a little sorry for myself.

It’s all in the preparation. Toy manufacturers are better for this sort of thing than they used to be, but batteries will be required for a lot of stuff, so have plenty of spares. There’s no such thing as too many. What? You think you’re just going to stop using batteries some day? Just fill a cupboard with them and have done with it. If you’ve bought them a new game for a console, install it on the machine the night before so that you can install any updates and it be ready for them to play in the morning. Keep at least one bin bag handy and tidy as you go.

And think about what you buy. Card games will result in your living room floor getting covered in cards, some of which will go missing, thereby rendering the game useless. As per a couple of paragraphs above this, don’t buy anything that requires too much assembly. Other people will probably do that anyway (because they haven’t got to deal with that side of things), so don’t add to that workload. Jigsaw puzzles? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? Don’t buy anything that makes any noise unless you can guarantee finding that noise either funny or cute at least thirty times a day for the next three months.

It’s not all about the presents, of course. In our household, the cake is important, and usually purchased from M&S to guarantee an air of fanciness to the occasion. The candles for them are one of those things that I just know the location for. Just remember to ensure that, should your child have long hair, it’s kept well back from their faces unless they want to end up looking like the late Terry Nutkins. No child should ever look like Terry Nutkins.

And the key thing to remember is… hell, enjoy it. The years pass by so quickly. My 9-year old will be a teenager in less than four years now. The time will come when they don’t want to spend this time with their old man any more, when they have better things to do with their birthdays. There’ll be a time when the looks of pure delight at receiving a tiny bag of sapphires from a loved one will pass, and when they’ll stop caring about blowing candles on a cake out. There’ll be a time when they’ll be more concerned with who they might end up snogging that evening than the presents they get in the morning. They will change; these precious, precious years will not last forever. We may be in the middle of a frantic period, but I kind of don’t want it to ever end.