Thomas Tuchel's England appointment is the best sort of appointment; it's funny

There is a solid critique to be made of the decision to appoint Tuchel as the England men's manager, but you wouldn't know this from the frothing of the right-wing press.

On the one hand, it feels almost difficult to quite know what to make of the FA’s decision to appoint Thomas Tuchel as the new manager of the men’s team. Tuchel is an obviously talented head coach, and coherent arguments have already been made for why this could be a great appointment. But while there is a counterpoint to this, it’s not the one that you’ll have been reading in some of our newspapers this morning.

The Daily Mail have made their feelings on the matter extremely clear indeed. “We don't need Thomas Tuchel, we need a patriot who will put this country first, second and third”, screeched Jeff Powell before the announcement had even been formally made. But then, how seriously are we take someone who writes things like, “It took a while for that sentiment to be proved correct, and during his era of World Cup failure the Swedish lothario endeared himself sufficiently to our big-hearted people to be given a sentimental send-off when he passed away in sad circumstances this year” and such absolutely, utterly unfounded speculation as:

Exactly what was up in Bavaria has never been fully explained. Was there a scandal or a personality clash behind the scenes? Or did his masters figure they should be winning the German championship even if a Dachshund was the manager – and that they were barking up the wrong tree with Thomas Tuchel in the long term?

Don’t worry, he crowbars the word “woke” in, about three-quarters of the way down.

What Powell doesn’t do, however, is come up with one single reason why Tuchel could be a bad fit for this position beyond “He’s not English”. Now, don’t get me wrong, Powell has been getting away with this sort of shit a titan of this industry for decades now, so it may well be asked, who the hell am I to criticise him, but would it really have done any harm to offer a little analysis beyond some borderline xenophobic references to “Dachshunds” and “sauerkraut” (because obviously he had to go there too)?

Of course, the Daily Mail lurves being angry, so they don’t draw the line with one opinion piece. Another headline reads (and don’t click on these; it only encourages them), “German Thomas Tuchel's appointment as England boss later today is slammed by football pros” (because he can no longer merely be “Thomas Tuchel” any more - what matters now is not who he is, but his nationality). Two managers are extensively quoted. Can you guess who they are? I bet you can.

It’s Sam Allardyce and Harry Redknapp.

Or, to put it another way, “German Thomas Tuchel's appointment as England boss later today is slammed by VERY MUCH FORMER football pros”.

Elsewhere in the article, the anger doesn’t reach the levels that the Mail wants. Stuart Pearce thinks “he's got a really tough tournament in a-year-and-a-half to attempt to win the World Cup in the States, Mexico and Canada”, which is true, if your minimum requirement for an England manager is to win the World Cup. Dean Ashton is “underwhelmed”. Danny Mills has questions over why he's starting in January rather than November.

Of course, they have to close this off by adding that, “Tuchel's appointment means England will be the only leading football nation to have foreign managers of both their men's and women's teams.” England has fallen, Pauline! London Bridge is literally burning down! And they weren’t done yet, either. His personal life had to be raked over as well, because the tabloids retain the unshakeable belief that, even though they broadcast from some way below the gutter, they are the moral compass we should all be following. Their print back page was given over to this, as an opinion piece.

So, in the absence of any serious analysis from one of Britain’s biggest selling newspapers, here’s a case against which may at least make some sort of sense without me having to goose-step with your finger over your top lip as I do so.

Tuchel is a volatile character, with a history of getting himself into arguments wherever he goes. He didn’t get the Champions League to PSG, as is effectively their requirement these days, and his time at Bayern Munich was also unsuccessful. Yes, he won the Bundesliga there in 2023, but he was only appointed in March.

His teams have a reputation for being defensive, and adopting that sort of football would lead to complaints while also playing to England’s current weaknesses than their strengths. And with a contract only until the 2026 World Cup, this hardly feels like it's got much in the way of long-term planning about it. It should also be added that he will be crucified in the far-right press should the slightest thing go wrong on account of his nationality. It is very clear that they have already made their minds up about him.

But, there is also a counter-argument to be heard, here. He won the Champions League with Chelsea, and league titles in France and Germany. Considering his relative lack of background as a professional player and the disadvantage that this lack of name recognition gives an ambitious young coach, he has done an incredible job to get to the top of the European football coaching tree. He is a very talented coach, and to simply dismiss or overlook it that is facile to the point of juvenile.

More than anything else, though, the counter-argument is that it will be funny. Indeed, it already is funny, watching the Colonel Blimps of the Daily Mail scream themselves puce about the nationality in his passport when there are perfectly good critiques of this decision sitting right in front of them. At least we may be fairly certain that the players will appreciate having a top level coach running the team, and their opinion counts for far more than the spittle-soaked jowls of the likes of Jeff Powell or Harry bleedin’ Redknapp.