Words & Pictures to Follow: Horsham vs Lewes - It's important to do these things while you can

Sometimes the words that you read only bring home something that you already knew. And at that point, it's time to start looking after yourself.

We’ve known for some time, essentially, so getting a formal diagnosis was really a matter of establishing the prognosis rather than establishing whether it was actually there or not. Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, the most common form of mixed dementia. Seeing it written down hurts. There really isn’t any way around that.

I’m carrying out my monthly weekend with him this weekend, so my grin must be rictus. And perhaps I’m just writing all of this while it’s still a little too raw, but I also know that there are times when writing is the best form of therapy, and I know that this is no major adjustment to something for which I’d already mentally prepared. What I know for certain from the last time is that death with dementia is a gradual, painful process, at which a point comes when you recognise that the balance of their being with you is slipping; as though they’re fading from view.

But for me, it also allowed for a slow, low-level release of grief. By the time the moment of passing actually came, yes, I cried, but once I’d worked that out of my system I’d already come to an understanding with myself that death is the inevitable culmination of life, that my mum’s was rich and full, that her final suffering was relatively light, that I’d had 48 happy and largely trouble-free years with her, and that so long as someone holds you in their heart, you never truly die. I had the chance to say goodbye and to say thank you. Many don’t, or can’t.

So, I need to make the most of the time that I have with him, while we’re both at least part-way there for it. But I need this afternoon, so if I leave him with Spurs vs West Ham on Saturday early afternoon, notwithstanding all the obvious effects that Spurs can have on anyone’s mental health, he’ll be just fine until I get back. This week for me has been solid working and parenting. No respite, no interludes, just jumping from desk to school run to supermarket to washing machine, trying to keep those plates a-spinning. I don’t know why it’s felt so relentless this week, but it has.

In many respects, Horsham Football Club is a perfect venue for this of all weekends. He lives to the north of the town centre. Horsham’s new-ish ground is a good couple of miles south of it, indeed actually outside the town itself. And a long walk alone along a fairly straightforward journey will do me good. The weather forecast is for showers to stop at lunchtime, so it… should be okay?

Furthermore, it’s an absolute gimme of a match. While it’s not quite a local derby in non-league terms—they’re more than 25 miles apart with no direct train link—it’s still West Sussex vs East Sussex, and a league fixture with roots going almost a century to when Horsham first joined the Sussex County League in 1926. On top of that, Horsham get a decent crowd even at the worst of times, and on top of that Lewes are top of the table, with ten matches of the season played. So there should be a decent crowd. Indeed, I’ve even bought an advance ticket.

I was last here, it turns out, 54 weeks ago for an FA Cup Third Qualifying Round match against Hanworth Villa. Horsham’s FA Cup run ended up going much further, last season. They beat Dorking Wanderers to make the First Round, and once there drew 3-3 at Barnsley, lost the replay 3-0, and were then awarded the tie anyway because Barnsley had fielded an ineligible player. Horsham then lost 3-0 to Sutton United in the Second Round, instead. In the league they reached the final play-off place in the Isthmian League but then lost on penalties to Chatham Town in the semi-finals.

It was, it’s fair to say, an eventful season, but this time around hasn’t quite gotten going yet. They’re 10th in the table after eight games, but while they have games in hand on everyone above them and the top half of that table is pretty tight at present, they still have to win those games in hand to progress, and their league record suggests that this might not be something they can necessarily take for granted. Still, they come into this match off the back of three straight wins, including a 5-0 tonking of another East Sussex club, Whitehawk, on Tuesday night.

The reason for these games in hand is, of course, the cups. Horsham are still in both the FA Cup and the FA Trophy. Last weekend they beat Gorleston 1-0 in the Fourth Qualifying Round of the FA Cup. In the First Round, they will be away to Chesterfield. In the Trophy, meanwhile, they’re still in the hunt following a penalty shootout win at Leiston in the Third Qualifying Round a fortnight ago.

The last time I saw Lewes was in February, when they were upsetting Hastings United in what was very much a derby match, with more than a hint of niggle in the air. They looked better than their league position at that time of 11th suggested and they ended the season in 8th, three below Horsham and nine points short of a play-off place.

But this season has been a different story. Lewes sit atop the pile on 21, a point clear of Dover Athletic and Billericay Town. Should fourth-placed Potters Bar Town win their game in hand on the top three, there would be a single point between the top four. Were Horsham to win their games in hand and this one, they’d go top on 22 and there’d be two points between the top five.

Lewes go into this match with something of a point to prove. On the 28th the September, they lost 5-0 to Potters Bar. They took out a little of that frustration a week later by beating Bracknell Town 6-3 in the FA Trophy, though it should be added that conceding three goals will be a concern, coming on top of the five shipped a week earlier. After having started the season with five straight wins, there has been a tail-off in form. They drew with Billericay last weekend.

They’re not the only people who could do with a reset. I’ve been trying to be more mindful recently. Trying to use my time better, and to be more in tune with my mental state. This has been a difficult week, as too many of them have felt recently. Having made this fairly lengthy journey before, it feels like the right one for me to be making on this of all weekends. And when I get back, we’ll eat, and we’ll talk, and we’ll watch TV. Because it’s important to do these things while you can.

Word and pictures to follow, on Sunday.

Amendment made to penultimate paragraph, apologies but the Lewes website didn't have the Billericay match last weekend on its results page, so I've rewritten this.