It's the Champions League Enorm-o-group Final Night... Live!

We've never seen anything like it before, so let's see what happens as all 36 Champions League group teams play-off against each other on the same night.

Okay, so let’s all agree several things before this starts.

1. No-one—with the possible exception of some Deep Blue-esque UEFA supercomputer or other—truly understands how this entirely works (would you really put it past UEFA to have put something about doubling the size of the goals in the second half in extremely small print which no-one whatsoever has noticed?), so it’s best to treat this evening like at night at the circus, except there are about six to eight circuses going on the same time.

2. My understanding of it runs something like as follows. The top eight qualify for the next round outright. The next 16 go into play-offs, with the top half of them being seeded and the bottom half of them being unseeded. Liverpool and Barcelona are already through, while eight of the twelve eliminees are already decided. Manchester City have to beat Brugge to stay in the competition. A win against Celtic would almost certainly put Aston Villa in the top eight while Celtic, who are already confirmed in the play-offs, will want a result to improve their chances of being seeded in them. There’s only one point between 8th and 18th, so really anything could happen, though Arsenal’s chances of dropping out of the top eight are mathematical only. And that’s only scraping the surface. Clear? Good.

3. I have literally no idea how this is going to play out in practice. I mean, we’ve had Soccer Saturday on Sky for donkeys’ years, but the idea of eighteen matches at the same time is making my head spin, and that’s with twenty minutes to kick-off. I did consider seeing if I could scrape together 18 devices to watch the matches simultaneously using old phones, long tidied-away tablets and the small pile of deceased or semi-deceased laptops there are strewn around this house, but soon came to the realisation that: a. attempting this might turn out to be the precursor to some sort of complete meltdown on my part (or somehow setting the house on fire), and that b. that trying to use my Discovery ID on 18 different devices at the same time would almost certainly get my account terminated. We’ll stick with the Goals Show thing, though I’m fully prepared to go off-piste should anything come up that piques my interest.

So, I’ll be back at five to eight, see you there, hopefully!

7.55: Darren Fletcher and Robbie Savage are at The Etihad for City vs Bruges. I like Darren Fletcher. He’s probably my favourite current commentator; he does an excellent line in exasperated, which is an excellent characteristic for a commentator to have. Not so keen on Savage, to be honest.

The TNT Sport people are talking about the possibility of Stuttgart and PSG playing out a draw, which would drastically narrow Manchester City’s chances of getting through, regardless of what happens elsewhere. If City win, the team most at risk are Sporting, who’ve gone into freefall in this competition since Ruben Amorim jettisoned them for Manchester United, having lost all three of their games since he left in November.

8.00: How many team names will I get wrong at some point tonight? I’ve already achieved typing Porto even though I just this minute had the Sporting season page to confirm the dates of Amorim’s departure. I can even visualise his team in green and white hoops. Hell, I’ve even got a Sporting shirt, though it should be added that I’m pretty certain it’s a knock-off. Meanwhile, this whole chaotic absurdity is just kicking off. It would be quite funny if the evening ended in 18 goalless draws.

Anyway, get your tin hats on, start practicing your conspiracy theories, it’s time for the final round of fixtures in the Champions League Enorm-o-Group!

(In other news, I’m not sure what audience Discovery are trying to attract with their array of stars including Richard Hammond, Jonathan Ross and Jacob Freakin’ Rees Freakin’ Mogg. Actually, I think I do, but let’s not think about that any more.)

TNT are starting the Goals Show off at The Etihad.

8.10: It’s all going off at Villa Park! Villa who have a 2-0 lead against Celtic inside five minutes, the first working the ball down the left before pulling it back for Morgan Rogers to score from six yards, the second a twenty yard thunderbastard from… the same player! Good lord. Elsewhere, PSG have an early lead in Stuttgart, Lille lead Feyenoord and Inter lead Monaco through a penalty given after about 90 seconds, and Bayern Munich, wearing a kit the colour of baby sick, have an early lead against Slovan Bratislava through Thomas Mueller.

8.20: Well, that was an eventful start. Monaco’s evening has gone from bad to worse. They’re down to ten following a red card for Christian Mawissa for a not particularly Christian last man hoyking back of Marcus Thuram as he ran through on goal, and then after 16 minutes Martinez scores his second of the evening to make it 2-0. Gonna be a long night for them. Elsewhere, Atletico Madrid are 2-0 up in Salzburg, while Feyenoord have levelled things up in Lille. (Was that John Helm commentating on that match? Sounded like him.) Manchester City have to beat Brugge, but have had a goal disallowed for offside. Benfica lead in Turin and Dortmund lead Shakhtar Donetsk, while PSG have a second goal in Stuttgart following a VAR check.

8.30: Just as I press the button to send at 8.20, some horrendous defending from Milan gifts Dinamo Zagreb the lead in their match, while Sporting’s wretched record continues. They’re at home to a Bologna side who are among the already eliminated, and they’ve already conceded. We’re into the mid-first half lull now, and everything has fallen a little quiet so they’ve switched to The Etihad to fill the gap, where Manchester City seem to be dominating possession while not creating an enormous amount.

Liverpool lead after 26 minutes in Eindhoven, Cody Gakpo converting a penalty kick against his former club following a foul on Federico Chiesa. He does not celebrate the goal. And Girona lead against Arsenal through Danjuma following some defending that definitely cannot be blamed on referees and which also featured Neto—Arsenal’s oldest ever debutant—diving to try and save the shot with his hands even though he was about three yards outside the penalty area.

8.40: Bayer Leverkusen are pushing for a place in the top eight, and they lead Sparta Prague 1-0. Real Madrid lead in Brest (who are playing in Guingamp because their ground isn’t up to scratch; take note, Bournemouth) through Rodrigo. At present, three of the four English qualifiers are in the top eight. There’s an absolutely incredible save to prevent PSG going three up in Stuttgart, but a couple of minutes Dembele scores his second goal of the night to make it 3-0 anyway. PSV level things up against Liverpool through Bakayoko.

After a quiet half hour, it’s all going off again at Villa Park, where Celtic have scored two in two minutes to draw level at 2-2 against Aston Villa! Barcelona are already through, but almost went a goal down at ‘home’ (they’re playing at the Montjuic while the Nou Camp is being renovated) to Atalanta before the intervention of the robo-ref, while Celtic have pulled one back against Aston Villa. The goal drops Aston Villa out of that top eight. Lille retake the lead against Feyenoord, while Arsenal now lead 2-1 in Girona thanks to a Jorginho penalty and a Champions League debut goal from Ethan Nwaneri. Liverpool retake the lead in Eindhoven through Harvey Elliott.

8.50: OH LORD! BRUGGE HAVE SCORED AT THE ETIHAD!

City had been dominating possession for most of the half in this match, but it’s not great defending as they’re ripped apart on the break and the ball is pulled back for Raphael Onyedika to score from twelve yards! They need a win to get through, and they’re going to need a second half comeback now.

PSV draw level in Eindhoven against Liverpool on 45 minutes at 2-2 and then take a 3-2 lead right on the half-time whistle after a tight offiside call, while Dortmund have gone 2-0 up against Shakhtar Donetsk at almost exactly the same moment. Atletico Madrid now lead 3-0 in Salzburg.

The half-time whistles have now blown across all matches now, and the top eight are Liverpool, Barcelona, Arsenal, Inter, Atletico Madrid, Bayer Leverkusen, Lille and Atalanta. As things stand, Manchester City are going out, and that’s the big story of the first half. One way or another, it’s going to be the big story of the night one way or another now. I’m off for a break from this madness. Back in 15 minutes!

(And a shout out to Young Boys and Crvena Zvedza, as well as Barcelona and Atalanta, who played out the only goalless halves of the 18 matches.)

Second half: We’re back under way, and it takes John Stones a minute and 45 seconds to head narrowly wide when he should have scored for Manchester City, in case Brugge were wondering what their second half is going to look like. But the first goal of the second half comes at the Montjuic. Inside two minutes Lamine Yamal gives Barcelona the lead against Atalanta.

9.15: Manchester City are level against Brugge after 52 minutes. Mateo Kovacic is allowed to carry the ball forward relatively unimpeded before a daisy-cutter into the corner. One more still to find, but the atmosphere sounds transformed. Shaktahr Donetsk have a goal back in Dortmund after what may best be described as a goalkeeping ‘howler’.

Back at The Etihad, meanwhile, Brugge almost retake the lead within a couple of minutes of City drawing level and then create a further chance a minute later. Pep gets a yellow card for being a bald, angry man. Brest think they’re level against Real Madrid for a few moments, but Higher Powers have things to say about that. Dembele completes a hat-trick to give PSG a 4-0 lead in Stuttgart, whose night has gone very wrong indeed. Milan are level in Zagreb, despite being down to ten players.

9.25: Brugge had three chances to retake the lead against Manchester City, but now an own goal has put them 2-1 down. If City do squeeze through, that fifteen minutes may well prove to be amongst the most important of their season, but how vulnerable will they continue to be on the break? Lille extend their lead against Feyenoord to 3-1 thanks to an own goal from an Angel Gomez shot. Madrid now lead 2-0 against Brest.

At Villa Park, Aston Villa lead 3-2 against Celtic, John McGinn breaking on ther right before crossing for Ollie Watkins to score. A couple of minutes later they have a penalty for a foul on Watkins, but he slips as he takes ther penalty and balloons it over the crossbar. Arsenal are after him. Fits the profile.

Baby Sick Bayern Munich double their lead against Slovan Bratislava thanks to former Leyton Orient striker Harry Kane. Dinamo Zagreb retake the lead against Milan on the hour. Sporting drop out of the top 24. Marcus Florente gives Atletico Madrid a 4-0 lead against Salzburg and Bayer Leverkusen double theirs, too.

9.35: Atalanta are level in Barcelona, which puts them back within one goal of a top eight spot, while Lautauro Martinez has completed a hat-trick to extend Inter’s lead against Monaco to 3-0. The last goalless game of the stage falls, as Crvena Zvedza take the lead against Young Boys in Berne. Back in Barcelona, the home side have retaken the lead against Atalanta.

Meanwhile at The Etihad, and Manchester City are essentially through to the next round. Savinio has made it 3-1, and they’ll now be through to the next round unless they manage something really spectacular in the final thirteen minutes. Results elsewhere mean that Brugge are currently hanging on for one of the very bottom playoff places. Girona are level at 2-2 against Arsenal. Oh no, wait, they’re not. Lille now lead 4-1 against Feyenoord. Top scorer Jonathan David again. Sporting are level against Bologna, and are back into the playoffs. Suck on that, Amorim!

9.45: We’re into the closing few minutes, and things are getting frantic. Dortmund are 3-1 up against Shaktahr Donetsk. They’ll be praying for a Celtic goal now, as that’s what they’d need as a minimum now to make the top eight and a precious two game break. Meanwhile in Barcelona, Atalanta are level at 2-2 and Benfica lead 2-0 in Turin against Juventus, while Real Madrid grab a third through Rodrigo in Brest.

Lille now lead 6-1 against Feyenoord with two goals in two minutes. Feyenoord started the evening with hopes of a possible top eight place. The goal sees them leapfrog Aston Villa into 7th place on goal difference. Bayern Munich lead 3-0 now, thanks to Kingsley Coman. Actually worth mentioning here that there’s little question that the match of the night has been the match between Aston Villa and Celtic. Regardless of the final outcome, Celtic have been excellent throughout, and this match has had a real needle about it.

9.55: Manchester City are through to the next round, but this was far from a comfortable evening from them. For now, Brugge remain in it. Slovan Bratislava pull a goal back against Bayern Munich, but with the clock just ticking past 90 minutes and Bayern leading 3-1, it won’t count for much, but it was a lovely goal. Bratislava’s defeat means Brugge hang on in the final playoff place. There’s a medical cart on the pitch and a player is receiving treatment at the Montjuic, but it’s not clear who it is or how serious the injury is.

Arsenal win a late penalty in Girona but give the ball to Raheem Sterling to take it, so the score remains 2-1. Some horrific Celtic defending gifts the ball to Ollie Watkins, who pulls the ball back for Morgan Rogers to complete a hat-trick and give Villa a 4-2 lead, which ends up the final score. There’s a red card for Amara Nallo for Liverpool against PSV. They’re still trailing 3-2. Salzburg go Wimbledon ‘88 with a long ball sent straight down the pitch by the goalkeeper which is driven into the top corner. They’re still losing 4-1, but there have been a couple of decent consolations.

By the end, Aston Villa are in 8th place in the Enorm-o-Group and waiting on the Barcelona vs Atalanta match. An Atalanta goal would put them into the playoffs, and this result which means that Villa are straight through into the round of 16, which will follow the playoffs. Sporting’s equaliser puts them through and Dinamo Zagreb out. Milan are in the playoffs despite starting the evening in the top eight. The eight automatic qualifiers are: Liverpool, Barcelona, Arsenal, Inter, Atletico Madrid, Bayer Leverkusen, Lille and Aston Villa. It’s been exhausting and chaotic, and it hasn’t ended with too many surprises. But thanks for stopping by, it’s been emotional!

Image by Jossué Trejo from Pixabay