Single Parenthood and I: On affairs of the heart

Dating advice from an idiot like me? You'd better believe it! (And take it with a pinch of salt.)

So, dating, then. I saw a social media post this morning about the expectations placed upon women to ‘fix’ men, and the dating world does seem to be particularly broken at the moment, so here’s my attempt to draw on 35 years plus of this sort of thing and offer some sort of advice. I'm reasonably happy to admit that this might not be the best of ideas. After all, didn't I only write something on here about having just gotten divorced? Well yeah, that's a fair comment. But the fact that I'm even doing this in the first place isn't intended as a display of me having all the answers.

But I am in my early 50s, and I have, it's fair to say, been there, done it, and got a whole pile of T-shirts over the last three and a half decades that it took me to get to this point. And when I watch the unravelling discourse surrounding dating in the 21st century devolve into what is essentially one long slanging match in which no opinion is a “bit much” and no generalisation too great, I feel as though my voice, with all its imperfections, might even be worth listening to.

From my vantage point, dating discourse - and particularly in relation to dating apps - is one of the most broken online discourses of all. At the heart of this are two key points: firstly, the very nature of social media itself encourages clout-chasing, which prioritises more attention grabbing viewpoints, both in people's heads and within the algorithms. Whether benefiting financially or through a transient hit of dopamine, there's little incentive to not have increasingly outrageous opinions, these days. A subject that could really do with delicate handling is, therefore, treated in about the worst way that it could be.

And secondly, there's the small matter of the fact that men and women so frequently seem to be talking past each other rather than to each other when this subject comes up. An example, if I may. I was on a general discussion group on Facebook many years ago when the subject of penis size, as it were, are came up.

The replies were telling, and something that I now recognise as an early warning of the sort of discourse that was to come. In short, of about 600 or so of them, around 200 were posted by women saying that no, size doesn't matter, that too big can hurt, and other various implorations of, “no, we're not just saying this”, while the other 400 replies were from men, primarily calling them liars. It was an extremely telling moment.

Now don't get me wrong, here. The example above featured men who were not listening, but I'm not here to apportion blame for anything anywhere or make many blanket generalisations about anything whatsoever (although I have opinions). There are a billion of those on the internet already. You may have exceptions that differ from my experience. Your mileage may vary. It's fine.

And for goodness sake take anything I say here with a pinch of salt. What I have to say here ultimately comes from my own experiences, and those of both men women that I've spoken to over the last few decades. And I've got things wrong before. I'm certainly no oracle on this matter (hell, I’m certainly not a trained relationship counsellor or anything like that), I'm just another flawed, strategically-shaved monkey, clinging onto a rock which is hurtling through space.

And I should clarify that I'm dealing with cishet (straight men/women, for the uninitiated) relationships, here. It could be tempting to go into greater detail about some of the others, but cishet has been the overwhelming majority of my dating experience so I’d feel pretty unqualified to talk much about anything different. But anyway. Here's some advice for men on dating women, and particularly on dating apps. Enter at your own risk.

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First things first, you need to understand the dating market; and yes, it's completely commoditised, like everything else in the modern world. If you're a guy reading this, I've got bad news for you. This market is really tilted against you. Women get wayyyyyy more attention on dating apps than you ever will. That's just a fact, Jack, and it means that there will always be a lot of competition if you’d like to catch someone's eye.

For example, women don't usually - though some do - send that all-important first message, primarily because they don't have to. They receive a level of attention that that men on dating apps simply cannot understand. You can argue about the rights or wrongs of this imbalance til the cows come home, but that doesn't alter the reality of it.

But before you go all “woe is me” over this state of affairs, consider that the experience of women is the absolute inverse, everything that I've ever heard about it that I've seen haven't been very pleasant; flooded by likes, messages, and sometimes more from precisely the sort of men that they don't even want to be hearing from in the first place.

And this, I guess, is my overarching principle, here. Perhaps the best piece of dating advice I was ever given came when I was about 21 when, out of absolute frustration at not being able to interest anyone myself, I asked my sister what advice she had. Her response - “Just be better than the rest of them; it really isn't that difficult” - has been burned into my brain ever since.

So, go the extra mile. Take time over writing your profile and choose pictures in which you're not topless and/or holding a fish. If you're biting that bullet and sending a message to someone you've never spoken to before, write something a little more engaging than a grunted “WYD”, “Hey bby” or “UR hot”. Send something engaging, perhaps asking a question about her profile to demonstrate that you've read it. Be someone that another person would want to talk to. Actually, there's something here that is important as a general principle. Mean it. Don't pretend to mean it, actually mean it. By that, I mean don't say what you think others want to hear.

At the risk of sounding like your prudish aunt, for God's sake don't start banging on about sex straight away. I know, I know. Being a, single man really does make you feel invisible. But for gods sake, have a bit of self-control, even if it's what you're thinking about. It's gross, and gives the impression that it's the only reason you're even communicating with them. You don't need me to tell you not to send unsolicited pictures of your wang to women, do you? I should bloody hope not. We'll take that as read, then. Don’t do that.

And while I’m on that track, don’t be a danger, and that includes without intending to be. Don’t, for example, be in too much of a rush to ask for that date, get her telephone number, or anything. If she’s the right person and you end up spending years and years with her, those few days will feel like nothing whatsoever. Should you meet, consider their safety and make it in public, where there are others around. Think about their perspective, how your behaviour might be interpreted by them, and how their perception of you (and men more generally) will be different to yours; and do it before you hit the ‘send’ button.

Remember that other people are more than mere NPCs in your life story. Their thoughts, feelings, fears, insecurities, hopes and dreams are as complex and valid as yours. If you're going to compliment them, try and pick something that will mean something to them. If you tell a beautiful woman that she's beautiful, the chances are that she's been told this a million times before, probably from an inappropriately young age, and almost certainly from men who were only after one thing (okay, perhaps two or three things). It may well land differently to what you'd hope. If you have to compliment, compliment something they've achieved rather something that they will already know they had no hand in.

Bear in mind that those who have been using these apps for any significant period of time have heard it *all* before, probably more times than they'd ever share with you. They know the tricks, they know the games, and they know the obvious lines. The sheer volume of attention that they receive ensures a crash course in that. So the best thing to do is to just be yourself. It's also the easiest thing to do, the path of least resistance, which is good news for lazy people.

It should be clear from polling that politically speaking, men and women have been tacking in opposite directions, in recent years. Now again, that’s another topic for another occasion, but the fact of the matter is that a heartfelt belief in real equality has never been more important in straight dating. But bear in mind that you don’t demonstrate anything by telling people that you’re a feminist. Quite asides from anything else, the recent Neil Gaiman revelations have soiled the idea of men who are performative about it all, and rightly so.

And even without taking this into account, you can usually file that one under the ‘things that women have heard a thousand times before’ category. You’ll only prove anything like this to anyone through living it and being it. And the best way to live it is to actually read women writers and engage with modern feminist culture in the first place. It really is not what you say, but what you do. And regardless, a lack of humility is seldom endearing.

Listen, and pay attention. You would probably be astonished at how many people simply can’t even manage these most basic of common courtesies. Men do–and I’ve been guilty of this myself, including more recently than I'm happy to admit–still tend to see themselves as ‘fixers’.

Whether nature or nurture, it’s pretty ingrained, so remember that, whatever the subject might be, you don’t always have to try and provide an answer. Sometimes, just listening is enough. Read the room, and remember that a first conversation with someone you find attractive might not be the best time for your ‘edgier’ material. Actually, you might want to drop that material altogether.

There are things that the manosphere will try and claim to be true, but for which I have seen little evidence. You may have read or heard talk about how you need to be over 6’0 tall to attract the opposite sex, but my scrawny 5'8 ass has never felt anything like that, and the same goes for being ‘ripped’, too. People have preferences and they may exclude you. But not as many as some would have you believe.

The same goes for money. In the entire time that I was ever in the dating pool, no matter serious or unserious things became, the subject of how much either person earned came up precisely never, while talking. Gold-diggers of any gender presumably exist, but they’re uncommon enough to have never crossed my radar. And, if I may say, good luck to them if they ever did, because I probably wasn't the ideal mark for one.

At the end of the day, the perception of dating between men and women varies so greatly that most advice on the matter has to be applied in the broadest brush strokes possible. There are no ‘guarantees’ of anything when it comes to other human beings, and the best that anybody can do is to be themselves, enjoy the experience, and not wrap themselves up in anxiety and angst. And patience is key. Finding that person is one of the most important things that you'll ever do in your life. Why would that just fall into your lap?

In an increasingly cynical world in which everything can feel transactionalised at times, you may be surprised at just how many people still have romance in their bones. We don't express ourselves publicly over this for a variety of different reasons, but underneath all the too cool for school insousiance of the 21st century the one thing that I can say for certain about my experience of dating has been that there do remain a lot of people out there for whom that candle still burns, people who crave love and companionship.

Accompanying image by Joe from Pixabay.