Single Parenthood and I: the birds and the bees in the age of the incels
It's only a short hop from the birds and the bees to thinking about the toxicity of modern gender relationships.
“Daddy”, said Older one late afternoon, as he sat at the kitchen table and I fussed around putting folding clean washing, “You know how I’m half your DNA and half mummy’s DNA? Well, if I grew inside mummy’s tummy, how did your DNA get in there as well?”
Oh lord, it’s-a-comin’.
You see, I had no answer to that question at the time beyond, “It’s complicated”, and I still don’t have one today, really. When I think back to being roughly the same age that he is now, I think that… maybe a book was just left on my bed when I got home from school one day, though I do also wonder whether I might be Mandela Momenting that. I was precisely the kind of kid who would have gotten curious about it and just gone to the library to get a book about it out. We are talking about something like 43 or 44 years ago. Cut me some slack, here.
I had a look on YouTube to see whether there were any videos that explained it in order to spare me this task to pre-pubescent kids, though I was also aware that I needed to severely ration how many I actually clicked on, lest my carefully curated algorithm on there be irrevocably ruined. Most of them only looked likely to inspire more questions that the people making these videos would definitely not be the ones required to be answering, and that I would.
So, how to cover this subject in a way that is honest and sets the kids up in a way that is good for them? It’s all very well being embarrassed about this shit, but would I rather they learn it from me or from Andrew Tate, or who le fuck ever? Because if there’s one thing I absolutely know for certain, there ain’t gonna be anyone else in my family doing it.
And I don’t even know if they touch on it at school until they’re much older. I still have a vivid recollection of a horrified looking deputy head standing in front of our biology class when I was about thirteen, trying to explain it from a scientific point of view while occasionally mopping his forehead with a handkerchief.
Perhaps a good place to start is on what not to say. My older kid is very literal, so cutesy analogies involving birds, bees, or “when mummies and daddies love each other very much” aren't going fly. He is both a child of the information age and extremely literal, and that shit won't wash. And regardless, it'd be fair to have further questions about himself and his brother, there.
There's no need for me to feel uncomfortable about it. Sex is important and can impact your life in ways that you couldn't imagine. Good, healthy sexual relationships are nourishing in ways that practically nothing else in your life can be. To teach them this stuff is important, especially in a way that helps them navigate their way through an increasingly febrile dating world.
But with the best will in the world, it does still all feel like a minefield. Do we cover relationships at the same time? To what extent to we talk about LGBTQ? He already knows that men can love men and that women can love women, and he considers that completely normal. But gay dating is different and it's not something of which I have any experience. Should I leave *that* to his mother? Do we talk about dating apps and etiquette? Because I have very firm rules about that for myself.
So, with all of this in mind, I've come up with a list. There's no order to this, it's just the things that have popped into my head on the subject that I think they'll need to know by the time they're teenagers, actual advice that will have a practical value to them at the point at which they start viewing others that way. And since I'm not a biology teacher, it'll largely be steering clear of the science talk.
Consent. Well, this is an easy one to start with, because we've already been doing this I'm our house for years. “No is a complete sentence” and “If someone doesn't want to do something, it's wrong to try and make them want to” have been part of the lexicon of our house for years. He needs to understand that enthusiastic consent is important, that if someone is drunk or otherwise incapable then they can't consent, and that his minimum baseline of expectation should be that the other person wants to be there with him in that moment just as much as he does.
Protection: Again, this feels as though it should be straightforward. It's okay to want sex without wanting a baby, and so birth control is crucial. It's responsibility as much as any partner of his, and they also protect from STDs (see separate slide). Will I be giving a demonstration of how to put a condom on? If required, though OBVIOUSLY with an appropriately shaped piece of fruit only (let's face it, it's going to be a banana).
Internet temptations: There will be a point at which I can't stop him from watching porn, though I've seen no signs yet that he's even aware of the concept of it. He certainly needs to know that if anybody online ever asks to see his wang, the only answer to give is a firm “no”. That way lies potential blackmail. And while we're about that, he also needs to not be volunteering to send any of his to anyone, either. No-one wants to see that.
It can get complicated: People have complex and often difficult relationships with sex, and he'll have to be mindful of this. It can be tied up with trauma, shame and embarrassment. Even if he's not embarrassed by it all himself, others might be, and for reasons that aren't always immediately clear. If that's the case, back off and show a degree of circumspection.
Communication is critical. Most sexual dysfunctions within relationships come about because of a lack of communication, not only of what one wants, but also of what one doesn't want.
Equality. Your partner, whether for one night or one lifetime, is your equal, and if you can't understand this basic premise you shouldn't be going anywhere near anybody, for their good as much as yours.
Is that enough? Probably not. My girlfriend and I have spent the weekend watching Adolescence on Netflix, and it makes you wonder. We seem to be perpetually bombarded by messages and news stories about the toxicity of relationships between boys and girls, between men and women, and it's increasingly becoming clear that there are many people who are happy to stand on the sidelines fanning the flames, so long as there's a dollar or two to be made from it.
And when entire entertainment complexes seem to be tilting towards embracing this sort of antagonism and violence, how can you push back? The one thing I do know for certain is that if I ever hear any of this incel bullshit coming from his mouth he'll feel a level of wrath from me that he's never experienced before.
At such times it's useful to step back, survey the wreckage, and curse the adults who play with and manipulate kids’ minds to enrich themselves through increasingly extreme and outlandish opinions. As with so many other aspects of parenting in the 21st century, perhaps the answer is just to keep on keeping on, maintain focus on empathy and love, and keep giving him the emotional tools to be able to deal the these challenges that come with an increasingly fractious and in many respects hopeless world.