The Horrible Little Man: a history of violence
The Horrible Little Man is a reflection of a media landscape which rewards shouting the loudest, no matter what's actually coming out of their mouths.
I have no intention of mentioning his name, but you already know who I mean. It takes a special type of boneheadedness to believe, or at least to publicly claim to believe, since these are clearly two very different things, that following a career that allowed you the vast privilege of earning thousands of pounds every week for kicking a ball around leads to you somehow being ‘oppressed’.
It’s the sort of boneheadedness that also leads you to believe that wearing glasses somehow makes you intelligent rather than merely short or long-sighted, that describing a racist murder committed by a family member was just a ‘scrap’ is okay, or that dressing like the world's worst AI art depiction of George Orwell while reading inspirational philosophy quotes somehow makes you an ‘intellectual’.
And the grift is obvious. The grift is clear and present. Some people seem addicted to the limelight, even if the only way to find himself under it is to shout the stupidest, most offensive things you can in the manner of a six year old at a birthday party who's had too many Skittles and is now trying to impress the grown ups with his breadth of knowledge while simultaneously soiling himself because, in all honesty, that's all he's really got.
Even the grift is blindingly obvious. You already know that he's got this malformed idea of his own brilliance in his head, that a seat behind the desk on Soccer Saturday is somehow his birthright. Yet there he is, unable to control himself, expanding his social media rants to ‘the media’, biting the very hands that he so desperately wants to be fed by.
So let’s take a look at this history of his ‘oppression’, shall we? In December 2004, at a Christmas party, The Horrible Little Man stubbed out a lit cigar in youth player’s eye. In May 2005, he broke a pedestrian's leg while driving his car through Liverpool city centre at two o’clock in the morning. In the summer of 2005, he was sent home from a pre-season tournament in Thailand after assaulting a 15-year-old Everton supporter who’d been ‘provoking’ him. He wasn’t sacked and considered unemployable in the future over this sort of behaviour because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
The Horrible Little Man has twice been convicted of violent crimes. In May 2008, he was sentenced to six months in prison for common assault and affray during an incident in Liverpool City Centre. CCTV showed him punching a man twenty times, causing him to lose consciousness, and attacking a teenager, breaking some of his teeth. He served 74 days of his prison term because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
In July 2008, he was also given a four-month suspended prison sentence after admitting assault occasioning actual bodily harm on a teammate during a training session in May 2007. The player on the receiving end of his inability to control his temper this time said that he had been hit several times, was left unconscious and had to go to hospital after suffering injuries to his head, including a suspected detached retina.
It doesn’t end there either, does it? In September 2006, television cameras captured The Horrible Little Man, intellectual that he is, exposing his backside to Everton fans. In March 2007 he was arrested on suspicion of assault and criminal damage after an alleged argument with a taxi driver in Liverpool while going to his hotel after a match. No charges were pressed because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
In 2013, he was given a two-match suspended ban for describing a fellow professional as looking like an "overweight ladyboy" on Twitter. He escaped further punishment when these comments were considered ‘inappropriate’ rather than ‘homophobic’ because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
It goes on, because of course it goes on. In April 2017 The Horrible Little Man was banned from football for 18 months after admitting an FA charge in relation to betting. But the following July he had this ban reduced by almost five months on appeal because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
In April 2020, after having somehow been considered to be in any way whatsoever responsible and emotionally mature enough to manage a professional football club, he was charged with assault occasioning actual bodily harm over an alleged attack on another manager in the tunnel after a match, leaving him bloodied and with a broken tooth. He was cleared because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
In July 2021, The Horrible Little Man was charged with the assault by beating of a woman at an address in London a month earlier. In March 2022, a court heard that The Horrible Little Man had 'kicked wife in the head' and 'grabbed her by the throat' in a drunken row. The court heard that she was said to have been bruised on her forehead and was left with a bleeding nose, and was "audibly upset and shaken" when she dialled 999, just before 11.15pm that night.
"My husband has just hit me in the house," she said, telling the operator she had been left with a "bloody nose" after he hit her "just in the face", before officers arrived at the scene. Body-worn footage played in court captured her saying: "I was pushed and kicked about and stuff." The officer noted "a bit of a lump and some blood", while speaking to a female officer in a utility room around five minutes later, she said that her husband "just flipped out" and "threw me down".
"He was kicking me about," she said, adding, while holding an ice pack to her head, that the alleged attack came "out of the blue''. "I just want him to be removed from the premises," she said, but soon afterwards retracted her comments and refused to give a written statement. The prosecution said that, “she would not be a credible witness and has put forward an exculpatory account in order to assist [The Horrible Little Man] and undermine the comments made on the evening, which we say are very clear on the video." The following October the case was dropped because he would “not be able to receive a fair trial”. Because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
He’s appeared on the BBC’s Question Time because, y’know, he’s so oppressed. He has a platform to send his brainfarts directly to more than 2.5m people because, y’know, he’s so oppressed. The minute he started mouthing off with his misogynistic rant about women in football he was invited to talk about it on Talk TV because, y’know, he’s so oppressed. The Horrible Man appeared in a Morrissey video—judge a man by the company he keeps—because, y’know, he’s so oppressed.
The Horrible Little Man, the millionaire Horrible Little Man, is so oppressed that his planned podcast will doubtless be lauded by countless other Horrible Little Men when it launches next year. You could be forgiven for thinking that The Horrible Man could have done with a little more oppression, not least for the safety of those who’ve had the misfortune to come across him when he’s been in the wrong mood over the last two decades or so.