The Ten Commandments of Internet Dating

Relations between men and women have never been worse, but that doesn't mean that we're all sentencing ourselves to lives of chastity.

Dating has always been a minefield, from back in the day when we were most likely to meet our partners through work or going to bars, to the present day, when the touch of a button can literally put you in potential contact with like-minded souls from around the entire planet.

Now, I can't claim to be any sort of guru on this particular subject and there's no obligation on anybody's part to take a blind bit of notice of anything that I say, but... I found the woman I'd been waiting my whole life for in my early fifties; glamorous, creative, caring and elegant. At the time, I was separated with kids and neither particularly good looking nor wealthy, so I must have done something very right indeed. Hopefully I have something to offer here.

I'm going to write this on the basis of a few assumptions: that you're male (I don't think it's wise that I offer dating advice to women; I mean, UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO), that you're a guy hoping to meet a woman (because that, it seems, is where the issues are in the world of dating at the moment), and that you're tech savvy enough to be able to cope with dating apps.

1. Thou shalt stand out from the crowd.

So, a brief story. When I was at university in my early twenties, my older sister was going through a rough time with a divorce. She worked in London, and I'd get the train up there on Friday nights during the holidays to go drinking with her and her work colleagues. One night, talk turned to my hilarious lack of success in attracting partners, and I asked her where she thought I might be going wrong. "Just be different from the rest of them. It really isn't that difficult."

Those words have been burned into my memory ever since. It's probably the most important single piece of advice I've ever been given. If there's one thing I've learned most assuredly from online dating, it's that a lot of men just aren't very good at it. As you'll see, the odds in an overall sense are against you, though it should also be added that if you do consider this a competition against other men, you'll be glad to hear that the bar is set pretty low.

2. Thou shalt write an incredible profile.

As I said above, if you're a dude looking for a woman, the odds are stacked against you. Women on dating apps receive considerably more attention than men, both good and bad, and ultimately much of what I'm writing here is about maximising the good whilst jettisoning the bad. If dating is a marketplace, it's a marketplace that favours women heavily over men. Those stories you've read about women receiving hundreds of likes or messages a day upon first signing up, that's all true. I've seen it first hand, and it's not going to change, so there's no point in being grumpy about it. It's just the way things are. (And this state of affairs also creates an inverse set of problems for women which sound like considerably more of a pain in the arse than anything we have to deal with, to be honest.)

The best way around this is to stand out, and the best way to stand out is to write a witty and engaging profile. Make yourself somebody that someone with a lot of options - certainly a lot more options than you - would want to talk to. Correct grammar and punctuation are important to a lot of people, though I understand that's easier said than done. Always proofread, to catch mistakes.

Give the reader a taste for who you are. It's okay to be playful or flirtatious, but being explicitly sexual sounds like a terrible idea, to me. Who are you? What do you do? Why should they be interested in you? And be honest. Don't say that you're seeking a long term relationship if you're looking for a hookup. It's okay to want to hook up. The problem is in the bait and switch.

Be a person that she might want you to be, but don't lie or misrepresent yourself.

3. Thou shalt pick the right pictures to accompany it.

I have read a lot of dating profiles in my life, and if one thing has really stood out for me, it's been the berating of men's profile pictures. It should go without saying that your pictures should be of you, whilst not having a profile picture looks shady.

They've put one up, what have you got to hide? And don't use a group picture without pointing out which one is you. They'll think you're the ugliest member of the group, even if you're not.

There's no delicate way of putting this but stop being so... weird. I see a large number of complaints from women about men going topless in their profile pictures, or posing with a giant fish that they've just caught. Look, I'm not going to say that catching very big fish is bad, but... dude, it's a dead animal on your dating profile. Are you sure that's wise?

And Newsflash! People age, so try to keep your pictures recent, certainly the main one.

Oh, and for God's sake don't put a picture of your wang on there. If you don't get banned, you will at least get shunned. And you'll deserve it. (I’ll be coming back to this particular subject later, too.)

4. Thou shalt write the right introduction.

I used to occasionally get introductory messages, but the truth of the matter is that yes, of course women receive considerably more of them than men do, so no, on the whole, they barely ever send any themselves. So not only do your meticulously written profile and perfectly framed photo have to stand out, but your introductory message will have to as well.

This is as much about what to avoid as what to include. Just saying "Hi" to a complete stranger gives them nothing to hook onto, and it's lazy. And don't just say "How are you?", either. Have something more. It doesn't even have to be particularly blazing, just something, again, that will make someone with more options than you think that you might be a good idea to reply to.

Don't be afraid to write a paragraph or two, but I would strongly advise against having a lengthy copy and pasted message that gives the impression that you have been taking time over sending them a message when you haven't, which you’ve already sent to three hundred people. That's both lazy and duplicitous, and it can usually be smelt a mile off.

5. Thou shalt not be a Thirsty Internet Dude.

Yes, I get it. These are thirsty, thirsty times. To a point, that is commonly assented. People are talking about this in an open and frank way, and perhaps in a way that we’ve never really spoken about it before. But that doesn't mean that you should just become a Thirsty Internet Dude. If you start trying to steer the conversation immediately towards that particular subject, you are ultimately treating them like a vassal or a sex dispenser rather than an actual human being. It tends not to be a strong look, and that's at the mild end of the spectrum. At the other, they'll likely consider you to be at least bordering on being a sex offender.

6. Thou shalt be both interesting and interested.

A lack of conviction on the part of another person is easy to spot from a distance, and if someone is putting an effort to converse with you then you should return the compliment just as fully, should you wish the conversation to continue. Mean it.

In face to face situations, people use mirroring and matching to build rapport, subtle changes in body language that demonstrate, often subconsciously, that they are growing closer together. Your dating app cannot replicate these non-verbal cues, but you can build rapport through words as well. Don't be afraid (within reason) to ask questions. Don't bring any baggage from your past with you. If you have stories to tell, tell them with an open heart and a sense of humour and humility. A little self-awareness goes a long way.

7. Thou shalt not send unsolicited dick pics.

I try to speak to anybody online exactly as I would do were we face to face, but I'm not sure that everybody else does. If the sender of the unsolicited dick pic got talking to a woman in a bar, would he just whip it out after five minutes? Because it's a consent violation, if you send one without explicit prior agreement, and nowadays it’s a criminal offence, too. It's not even as though there's any proven track record of this being successful in any way whatsoever. Size queens notwithstanding, of course.

And the truth is... they are pretty much of a muchness. Some are a little longer. Some are a little shorter. Some are a little thicker. Some are a little thinner. Some are circumcised. Some aren't. None of this is to say that some women can't, under the correct circumstances, enjoy receiving such pictures, but far from all of them will and even with those who mught be open to the idea, it's definitely all a matter of context. Don't send unsolicited or context-free wangs. It's nowhere near as hot as you hope it might be, and you might even end up in prison over it.

8. Thou shalt be kind, and be patient.

Kindness takes many forms. It can take the form of being forgiving of spelling or grammatical mistakes, or of understanding that certain matters of tone may be difficult to ascertain from conversation by text only. Kindness builds trust, and mutual trust is critical to building any sort of successful human relationship.

Patience is also important. Sending repeated messages saying, "Are you there?" will most likely earn you a decoupling. The big advantage of a text conversation is that it can just hang in the air, awaiting the next message, no matter how long it takes. It doesn't really matter, in the overall scheme of things, whether you get a reply in five minutes, five hours, or five days. Bear in mind that everybody has the absolute right to reply as they see fit, or not at all.

9. Thou shalt not lie.

It seems obvious, this. Lying is a waste of energy. If you end up with the person that you want as a result of a lie, you have a big problem of having to cover that for however long the relationship lasts, or fronting up to it. The more important the lie, the more difficult it's ever going to be to retract. If it's inconsequential enough to not matter, you might as well not have told it in the first place.

Furthermore, most people are extremely forgiving. Indeed, I'd go so far as to say that most people are considerably more generous towards others than they expect others to be towards them. So why even bother lying? Seems like a waste of energy, to me, even before we get to grips with the obvious ethical issues that surround it. It's also worth remembering that lying can occur without a single lie being told. Lying by omission is still lying, as are lying by sophistry and misrepresentation.

10. Thou shalt own thine shit.

We're all only human, and we make mistakes. That much much we know for certain. So, if you make a mistake or say something stupid or offensive, own it. Apologise, and accept that the other party has the absolutely inalienable right to walk away from the conversation. You don't get to decide how offended someone might be by what you say.

Good luck, tiger. You've totally got this.