National League South Chaos Saturday: The Liveblog!

It's the last day of the season in the National League South, and six [SIX] teams could still lift the League title. Join me right here from 2.30 on Saturday afternoon to try and make sense of it all.

Le Preamble:

Afternoon, all. It’s the last day of the season in the National League South and in a situation the likes of which I can’t remember having seen before in this country, and certainly not at a level this high, and certainly not with everybody playing at the same time on the last day of the season. The season denouement that immediately springs to mind is the 1971/72 First Division, when four teams ended within a point of each other.

(I do acknowledge that there will have been tighter season ends to seasons than this, especially from abroad, so do feel free to drop any in the comments.)

But teams didn’t all finish with one final day of the season, then. This has only become commonplace since the Premier League introduced them in 1992, and in the non-league game it took literally decades longer to get that point. Nowadays everybody does it, and afternoons like this are probably the apex reason why.

It’s the same with playoffs, and both are proof that progress doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I remember what it was like then and… yeah, I didn’t realise how much of a let-down the end of the League season usually felt because it was all I knew. Everyone finishing their season at roughly the same time on the same day made logical sense to me when it was introduced. Previously, it just fizzled out. Nowadays, there is drama.

There are six teams in with a plausible chance of winning the League title this afternoon, and while for some of them it’s considerably further-fetched than others (obviously), it is still possible for all of them in a non-theoretically-only way. I attempted to explain it last week, of course, but I fully understand if your eyes started glazing over after about a hundred words. Mine certainly did. I’m certainly not repeating myself here!

But the value to both the League and the clubs at this point should be obvious. Truro City are top of the table. Their match against St Albans City will probably top 3,000. Second-placed Torquay United are away to Hemel Hempstead Town, who upped and upped their ticket allocation until they couldn’t give any more.

Hemel aren’t the best supported side in the division and away supporters are under orders not to attempt to get into home stands. Will stewards and security staff be listening out for Devonian accents as they frisk people? Asking their opinions on clotted cream? Their ground holds 3,150; it could be a spicy afternoon in West Hertfordshire.

Third-placed Eastbourne Borough play at home against Weston-super-Mare. At the time of writing—Friday night—there seem to be tickets still available for this match, though since I have a registration with them I’m wary of seeing how far I can get through the registration process in case I accidentally end up purchasing one. Fourth-placed Worthing are away to Enfield Town. Enfield also need a point to guarantee avoiding relegation. Again, on Friday night tickets seem to be available, but again there should be a big crowd and I wouldn’t be surprised if it sold out.

Admittedly, things are getting a little remote by the time you get to fifth and sixth, but Dorking Wanderers are at home, though their match against Chesham United is all-ticket. Again, their capacity is 3,000. Boreham Wood are away to Tonbridge Angels and neither are especially well-supported, but this should comfortably clear 1,000, even though the 15th-placed home side have nothing to play before beyond going up to 12th or dropping to 17th.

As somebody who spent their adolescent Saturday afternoons watching matches at this level of the game—form an orderly queue, ladies—at which were usually three and four hundred, I cannot begin to tell you how alien this all still looks. I do understand that times change, and I almost always buy an online ticket in advance if one is available, but still.

I don’t know how many Vauxhall-Opel League Premier Division matches I watched between about 1986 and 1991, but it was more than I had girlfriends and the number with crowds of over 1,000 could probably have been counted on the fingers of one hand. Which is still more than the number of girlfriends I had. But you take my point. Times have changed.

But listen to me here, blathering on like an old man. Quite aside from anything else, I don’t really think non-league football has become ‘fashionable’. It remains a niche interest, of that there is no doubt. But perhaps there is a greater feeling of municipal pride these days, that the local football team are worth getting behind. And there is also, of course, the possibility that this at least contains a proportion of people who have been priced out of Premier League or perhaps even EFL football.

What is really noticeable from attending matches is that crowds skew much younger than they ever used to. My peak-attending time as a teenager was when I was about 14 or 15. When I went to away matches on the coach laid on by the supporters club, I was usually the youngest person on it by at least ten or fifteen years.

There were a sprinkling of youngsters around, but in the late 1980s non-league football was an old man’s game. It felt sometimes as though crowds continued to decline because the people who went to matches were dying off from old age. It reeked of Players Number 6, fruit machines and boiled onions. Nowadays, it smells more like half-opened cans of Stella, Lynx and terrible quality cocaine.

The gambling people have everybody bar the top two outsiders, and that makes perfect sense. St Albans City are the visitors to Truro, and while they have a lot to play with them also needing a win to have any chance of avoiding relegation, the very fact that they need a win for that reason indicates that, well, they’re not very good. (Regular readers will already be very aware that both Enfield and St Albans hold a very particular place in my heart; if things get quiet this afternoon we’ll psychoanalyse my preference over who goes down and who stays up.)

Should they slip up, Torquay have an away match at Hemel Hempstead which should be winnable. And however possible it may or may not be beyond those two, it’s fair to say that it’s unlikely. All bar those two are long shots because their chances rest on the top two both dropping points from what look on paper to be winnable matches.

I’ll be keeping an eye on the top of the other Leagues that are finishing this afternoon, too. At the top of the National League North there are three teams who could still win the title on the final day. Kidderminster Harriers lead on goal difference from Brackley Town. Kidderminster travel to Southport and a win will be enough to secure the title. But should they fail to do so Brackley could yet lift the title with a win against already-relegated crisis club Farsley Celtic. Farsley are bad, but the +22 goal difference that they’d need to make up to take the title should Kidderminster win is probably unattainable.

Should both of these two slip up, third-placed Scunthorpe United could yet snatch it at the last. They’re two points behind the top two and their goal difference is only five lower than Kidderminster. Should the top two lose, a win for Scunthorpe from their trip to Hereford would be enough for them to lift the title. Should Kidderminster and Brackley draw and the Iron win by six, they’d win it too.

Things are even tighter at the top of the Isthmian League Premier Division, where Billericay Town, Horsham and Dartford (all three of which I’ve visited this season, and two of these articles are a difficult read for me now) are all tied on 84 points, with Billericay’s goal difference being +39, Horsham’s being +38 and Billericay’s +31. All three are at home this afternoon. Dartford play Carshalton Athletic (7th, but with no chance of making the playoffs), Horsham play Hashtag United (8th), and Billericay play Cheshunt (15th), so it’ll be a chase for all three to see who can win by the most goals. The three divisions below this are already decided.

In the Southern League, there is still one title to play for. The Premier Division South is already decided—congratulations, Merthyr Town—but the Premier Division Central isn’t quite yet. Bedford Town lead by three points and have a home match against 9th-placed Stourbridge. A win or draw will be enough for them to lift the title, but should they lose Kettering Town can still snatch it with a win from their home match against Banbury United.

Division One Central of that League is already decided, but Division One South could yet change. Yate Town can win that division with a point from their home match against Didcot Town (non-regular non-league watchers and foreigners should probably be reminded at this juncture that I’m not making these names up), but should they lose a three-goal win for them against Bashley will be enough.

And finally, three of the four divisions of the Northern Premier League—including its Premier Division—have already been decided, but there’s still something to play for in Division One West. The leaders there are Widnes. They’re at home to 8th-placed Trafford needing a point to secure the title. But should they lose, a win for Hednesford Town from their home match against Runcorn will be enough to send that title to the Midlands.

So yeah, it's complicated, and I can’t completely undertake to be completely up to date on what’s going on in all of these matches. But it's also fascinating and I’m nothing if not a grafter, so with that in mind I'll be back here at 2.30 this afternoon so we can pick through it all together. Personally, I think Truro should have too much for St Albans, but with their visitors needing a win to have any chance of staying up it'll be a tense afternoon in Cornwall. Bring a bottle of tequila and a pair of shot glasses, and let's see this extraordinary season off in style.

14.30: Heeere we go, then. I’ve got fifteen cans of Relentless and my crackpipe, so let’s do this! I’ve got about twenty tabs open and I have no idea whether any of them will even be reliable. If you are at any of these matches, do get in touch, by the way, and do feel free to lie about whatever may or may not be going on. I’ll be trying to keep up with about four different leagues, so things may get a bit confused but hey, at least in the aspect of my life that involves ‘doing a live-blog’, I do know what I’m doing. AMIRITE?

14.35: Quick reminder, as per the above preamble, that the National League South isn’t the only title up for grabs this afternoon. Any one from three could also win the National League North, while the Isthmian League Premier Division and the Southern League Premier Division Central are still also up for grabs.

14.40: There is so much media, these days. I should be able to keep up with everything, and there is also available radio commentary match for all six of the big matches in the NLS. I’m tempted to put them all on at the same time to see what happens, though this may frighten the kids.

14.45: Shout out to the Isthmian League where there are three teams tied at the top on point, Billericay Town, Horsham and Dartford. We’ll be keeping up to date with that too. It’s also the case that either - but not both - of the teams close to my heart, St Albans City or Enfield Town, could be relegated from the National League South today. Both are playing teams in the top six - Saints are at Truro while Enfield play Worthing, which is where I am right now.

Time now for some pre-kickoff ablutions. I’ll be back for 3. I’d be delighted if you chose to share your time with me, this afternoon.

15.00: Peep peep! And they’re off. I’m not going to go into excessive detail, but I know that a good number of you are kit nerds, so… Truro wear white shirts and black shorts and St Albans City normally wear yellow and blue. Hemel Hempstead wear red, and Torquay wear yellow and blue. Enfield wear white and royal blue, Worthing wear red. Eastbourne wear red and black and Weston wear claret and blue, though in my mind’s eye I saw them some time and they were in a luminous marker away kit. Dorking Wanderers wear a Paraguay kit (red and white stripes with blue shorts) and Boreham Wood wear white and black.

15.01: It’s just occurred to me that the Truro match is Saints vs Tinners in terms of nicknames (and if you allow for putting the away team’s name first). There are apparently 2,000 Torquay supporters at Hemel Hempstead this afternoon.

15.05: No news yet, though Brackley did have the ball in the net in the first minute of their game against Farsley, only to have it disallowed.

15.06: WE HAVE OUR FIRST GOAL! Truro City 1-0 St Albans City, and the goalscorer is Luke Jephcott. St Albans need a win.

15.10: That still seems to be the only goal. No goals at the top of the Isthmian League, by the way. There weren’t any when I went to Dartford earlier this season, funnily enough.

15.11: AND ANOTHER ONE!

Truro City 2-0 St Albans City, and this time it’s Dominic Fisher-Johnson. Saints are going down, Tinners are going up. Consider that an allegory for the modern world.

15.14: All those permutations already looking a little redundant. No score that I’m aware of at Torquay, who’ll be the only ones who can overhaul Truro unless St Albans do something that they haven’t looked that much like doing all season.

15.17: No goals in any of the other NLS games. At the top of the Isthmian League, Dartford have gone a goal down at home to Carshalton Athletic. All three teams at the top level on points there so Dartford already needed the two above them to drops points. In the NLN, Brackley Town have now taken the lead against Farsley Celtic, but there’s no score in the other two matches, so Brackley are currently top of the table.

15.18: Looks like the National League South title race was over in ten minutes. Truro scored again straight from the kick-off against St Albans and now lead 3-0.

15.19: Two more goals in the Isthmian League Premier DIvision, and all three teams tied at the top of the table are now all losing 1-0, so well done everybody. Still no goals in any of the other NLS games. The other teams are all in the playoffs already, of course. There’s no jeopardy in the opposite direction.

15.21: Hang on though, because Horsham are back level at 1-1 against Hashtag while Billericay Town are now 2-0 down at home to Cheshunt. Dartford already a goal down, so Horsham are currently top the Isthmian League Premier Division table.

15.27: It remains the case that none of the other five teams at the top of the NLS have scored yet. There’s been another goal at Brackley, who now lead Farsley 2-0. Kidderminster need a goal, but they’re also still tied at 0-0.

15.30: IT’S NOT OVER YET!

I mean, it is, but St Albans have pulled a goal back at Truro, who now lead 3-1. To be fair, it would be quite a story if they did pull this one out the fire somehow. Still no goals at Hemel vs Torquay, either. There’s also been a goal for Boreham Wood, who lead 1-0 at Tonbridge and jump to 4th as a result.

15.35: Another goal for Brackley, who now lead Farsley 3-0. They need a 16 goal lead to overhaul Kidderminster’s goal difference, but Kidderminster only need one goal and at the moment they ain’t gone none. (I’ve just started drinking, by the way, so if things get a little less predictable from now on, you know the reason why.)

15.36: Scratch that IT’S NOT OVER YET above, it’s now Truro 4-1 St Albans, and yes, it does look indupitably as though the title race is finally over.

15.37: Though Torquay have noww finally taken the lead at Hemel Hempstead.

15.38: There’s also been two goals in five minutes at Eastbourne, where Borough now lead Weston-Super-Mare 2-0. Worthing and Dorking are still winning, Boreham Wood are still winning.

15.40: Horsham lead 2-1 against Hashtag in the Isthmian League through a penalty. Billericay and Dartford are both losing, so as things stand Horsham are going to win the Isthmian League.

15.41: Big goal at the top of the National League North, and it’s…bad news for Kidderminster, who’ve gone a goal down at Southport. Brackley, meanwhile, have increased their lead to 4-0 against Farsley Celtic. Scunthorpe have gone a goal up at Hereford and go second.

15.42: Torquay are now 2-0 up at Hemel Hempstead Town. They’re now three goals behind Truro in the goal difference chase. Boreham Wood are now 2-0 up at Tonbridge, no goals at Enfield vs Worthing or Dorking vs Chesham.

15.50: Half-time is upon us, and barring something spectacular Truro City will win this year’s National League South. They lead St Albans City 4-1 at the interval. Worthing take the lead in stoppage time at Enfield, but St Albans are going down from that division now. There’s more excitement elsewhere. Kidderminster Harriers are a goal down at Southport, which leaves Brackley Town top of the National League North with a 4-0 lead against Farsley Celtic. In the Isthmian League, where the top three were tied at kickoff, Horsham are winning while Billericay and Dartford are losing. I’m off for a douche. Back in fifteen.

16.00: And we’re back for the second half. As things stand,Truro City are winning the National League South, Brackley Town are winning the National League North and Horsham are winning the Isthmian League. Let’s see what happens in the second half, shall we?

16.05: Billericay pulled a goal back against Cheshunt, so they’re now two goals off getting back to the top of the Isthmian League table, Dartford are also losing.

16.07: I think the National League North might be done too. Southport extend their lead over Kidderminster to 2-0 in the first minute of the second half. Elsewhere, all’s as it was at half-time.

16.10: Early goal in the second half at Enfield, where Worthing now lead 2-0 thanks to a penalty. They stay fourth, because the three clubs above them are all winning. Boreham Wood now lead 3-0 at Tonbridge.

16.12: Well well well! Billericay are now level at 2-2 against Cheshunt. A third Billericay goal would put them top by two goals on goals scored and would require Horsham to score again to win the league.

16.15: No change at the top of the NLS, by the way. It still looks like being Truro, Torquay, Eastbourne and Worthing as the top four. Time to switch attention to the top of the Isthmian League, where things are getting spicy.

16.17: Horsham have a third goal! A corner results in the Hashtag United goalkeeper punching the ball into his own goal and Horsham have a 3-1 lead!

16.19: But HANG ON A MINUTE THERE! Billericay have completed their comeback and now lead 3-2 against Cheshunt! They’re level on goal difference and Billericay are top of the table on goals scored. One more Horsham goal will put them top instead. By all account, they missed a penalty in the first half.

16.21: Back in the NLS, Eastbourne have increased their lead against Weston -Super-Mare to 3-0. Worthing are now 3-0 up at Enfield.

16.25: Meanwhile in the National League North, Kidderminster have cut their deficit at Southport to 2-1 with 58 minutes played.

16.26: Torquay have scored a third goal at Hemel Hempstead. Two more goals would put them level on everything, and Truro would win as a result of haaving won more games this season. But three more Torquay goals would take the title to Devon, unless Truro score again.

16.27: GOAL FOR HORSHAM! It sounds like a choatic one, but Horsham now lead 4-1 and they’re top of the table again on goal difference above Billericay!

16.31: Never mind. Hemel have scored a consolation against Torquay, so the title is surely headed for Truro now. Dartford have pulled a goal back agauinst Carshalton Athletic, though they are still 2-1 down.

16.32: Horsham have another goal! They’re now 5-1 up and Billericay need to start scoring some themselves or Horsham are winning the Isthmian League! I’m listening to the Horsham radio broadcast of this and they’re on the point of tears with 20 minutes to play. Back in the NLS, Enfield have pulled a goal back against Worthing but are still 4-1 behind.

16.36: Dorking Wanderers have finally woken up and lead Chesham 1-0. No other goals in either the NLS or the NLN, but all the excitement is in the Isthmian League, where Horsham lead the table by one sgoal on goal difference with a 5-1 lead against Hashtag United while Billericay Town have come from two down to lead Cheshunt 3-2, but Dartford are 2-1 down at home to Carshalton.

16.41: PENALTY FOR HORSHAM! Sixteen minutes to play and they’ve already missed one. They need this for goal difference reasons, so let’s see what happens here…

16.42: HE’S ABSOLUTELY SHANKED IT OVER THE CROSSBAR!

The score stays 5-1 and Billericay are still in it! Horsham have missed two penalties this afternoon. If they lose it on goal difference from here….

16.44: No changes in the NLN since half-time, where the league title still seems headed for Brackley. Back in the NLS, Dorking have extended their lead over Chesham to 2-0, while Torquay have extended their lead at Hemel to 4-1. They’re now three goal behind Truro again.

16.47: St Albans have pulled a second goal back at Truro, so the gap between Truro and Torquay at the top of the NLS is now down to two goals! Meanwhile, Hemel are down to ten players for the final few minutes after having a player sent off.

In the Isthmian League, Dartford are now 3-1 down at home to Carshalton, meaning that the title race is now down to Horsham and Billericay. Interestingly, Billericay’s second half started five minutes earlier than Horsham’s. They need two goals.

16.52: Brackley have a fifth goal against Farsley and Kidderminster still trail at Southport and Scunthorpe are winning at Hereford, so the title should be going to Brackley now.

16.54: Worthing are now 5-1 up at Enfield. No further goals at Truro or Torquay.

16.55: Nine minutes of stoppage-time at Billericay!

16.56: It’s over at Brackley, who’ve beaten Farsley Celtic and will be crowned as the winners of the National League North unless Kidderminster can score twice in stoppage-time.

16.59: It’s over in the National League, congratulations fto Brackley Town on winning the league ahead of Scunthorpe United and Kidderminster Harriers.

17.00: Billericay have another goal! They now lead Cheshunt 4-2 and Horsham’s lead at the top of the table is down to one goal on goal difference! They have four minutes still to play!

17.01: It’s over in the National League South, and congratulations to Truro City on winning the league on goal difference from Torquay United. Truro beat St Albans City 5-2, meaning that St Albans are relegated. This result means that Enfield losing 4-1 at home to Worthing makes no difference to them, but Worthing stay fourth because Eastbourne beat Weston-Super-Mare 3-0. Boreham Wood and Dorking Wanderers both won, and stay fifth and sixth respectively.

17.03: It’s over in the Isthmian League and Horsham have beaten Hashtag United 5-1 to win promotion to the National League South on goal difference!

After twelve minutes of stoppage-time Billericay Town could only beat Cheshunt 4-2 after having gone 2-0 down early on. The radio presenters have shouted themselves hoarse. There was a sell-out 2,500 crowd at Hop Oast for the Horsham match, but on the day they got there despite missing two penalties. Congratulations to all the winners, best of luck in the playoffs to all those who couldn’t quite get over the line. It’s been emotional, thanks for stopping by!